a long, abusive day

This is a post that shall serve me later in life.
Today was my first set of real finals. Or, more aptly, almost-finals. Today I showed work, almost complete, not complete enough.
Today I saw what I should have done two or three weekends ago.

I almost choked up with the pressure and the futility, but then I just became... It's a fight. You fight until the very end not to choke, not to twitch or fidget or jitter, and you laugh at whatever small joke you can, but you know that the judgement in the room is a blanket over the community that we try to create as people of the same major.

and then my half-finished animation was shown.
It's like reading aloud a rough draft of an essay in front of a class, not just handing it in.


and in the end I just mentally moved on to the next impossible challenge, an art history exam.

and in two days I have everything due.

and could I ever be friends with these people? I see them. I see their biting remarks and weaknesses, they all have different ticks and problems and unresolved issues. We all come out in the art (even though we hide it). It feels as if all of the niches have been filled in these social groups/cliques around me.

It isn't futile. It's just difficult. And I always feel that I can work harder, but lately I've been reaching the 'Screw it' point. It's at night, when you just have no will to move on. My most recent one was at 530am, after some sleep, when I thought to myself, I will not be able to finish this animation even if I worked very hard right now for four hours. And I went back to sleep for an hour.

What have I learned this semester? I've learned beginnings, and they are always the hardest part.
Later, I'm sure, I'll have my lists of things to do next semester.