A little catch-up

STACnight. Congrats to the kids who put on an amazing preformance. I heard a lot of "I wish I could have done that" from my fellow alum, and overall, it proved to the parents and the visitors what a compassionate group of kids can do.
It was one of the best, if not the best, STACnight I've been to. It's also my fifth.

At the show, I was asked "are you happy at Pratt". I'm not happy at home. I'm happy when I'm busy. I don't miss the smokers and hipsters and film majors (sometimes all at the same time), but I miss the work.
I'm up to... I think today is #55 of my self-portraits. I don't think I've really seen improvement, but I know that I have to do it every day. I finished a small first sketchbook and started on a new one, which I dislike because felt-tipped pens seep through. I don't think anyone else actually cares about that.
The self-portraits give me 10 minutes a day to think about forming a positive and healthy relationship with my body. To believe, when I am alone, that I am beautiful, or quirky, or interesting, or that I just have big eyes. But I rarely feel ugly. I get down if a pair of jeans doesn't fit the way I'd like it to, but I have a lot of jeans, and I have time.
I have time. I don't know what to do with it. But I have it.
If that was the description of an object, I would throw it out.

I keep going back and forth on my personal religious beliefs. It is very hard to develop a religious opinion without the help of media, ministers, and parents. I don't like religious politics. I like moral lessons through ancient example. I like looking past and understanding context of texts. I hate when religion and politics cross in America.

The second: What I had in college. Year 1.

Since packing, bringing everything back, and repacking, I've had a lot of time to reflect on things I've had in college.

Also, not all of them are material. Being home, I sincerely miss not telling anyone where I'm going when I go out, having my own clean existence, and not being able to choose food without caring too much about the price.

I have a lot of stuff. So much stuff. An unbelieveable collection of useless knickknacks, art supplies, clothes, books. And I want to see how far I can go with de-cluttering. Not cleaning yet, just getting rid of all of this useless stuff that I don't use anymore. Make scrapbooks of things, pick up papers from the floor, and do I really need so many books? 3 bookshelves of books and I'm trying so hard to fill boxes for donation. Do I really need two different graphic novel versions of Macbeth? Why do I have these anyway?

There is a specific problem: I have an object that was either a gift or something from a younger me, and I don't know if throwing it out will upset anyone. It may take a few minutes for me to decide. Will my Aunt care if the ceramic teacup gets trashed? What about the "Soup Bible" cookbook I'll never use? Why can't I just get tickets or experiences for gifts instead of things? I keep as many of my tickets as I can, and they fit snugly on a shelf.

How can I throw out the relics of my early teenage years? Or even before that?

I also found and went through a lot of my old sketchbooks. I went through a lot more sketchbooks than I thought. I have a lot of empty ones, too. I shouldn't have to buy art supplies for at least 5 years.

But I've been working on it. I don't know if I'm being heartless and trying to forget middle/high school, or if I'm being realistic and forward-thinking. Probably a bit of both.

on spirituality, nature/art, crossword discipline, being straightedge

It's Ash Wednesday, when Christians burn last year's Palm Sunday palms and draw a cross on your forehead. And now, I'm sitting in the computer lab wondering if my appearance is being disregarded, considered, or remembered. But at the same time, I'm trying really hard not to have an itch on my brow. I'm not particularly religious. But I think it's important, and there are times when you're walking on a trail and the trees move in a pattern and the grass smells just right and it's a special moment of beauty. That's holy.

Spring break is next week, and I don't really have anything to do for a week, which is a pity. So I wanted to drive to Sand's Point and draw something. I should paint something. The least I can do is bring a watercolor set and get basic line and color down. I just need to do art over break, draw a landscape from life.

Crosswords are like hitting a brick every day. Sometimes you break it, sometimes you know how to break it, sometimes you just can't get a handle on it. But there's always a new brick every day.

I describe myself as 'straightedge', but I don't... there are people who.... there are things that just don't interest me, and they tend to be on the same plane of thought, even though common morals of society give them different values. Like, I don't smoke and my ears aren't pierced. I don't hate people who do things, illegal or not, but as long as they respect my decisions, I can usually respect theirs. If they're not killing themselves slowly.

I love the way people walk. Toes facing inwards, outwards, wide at the knees, one knee a little twisted. It's wonderful.

long writing, music

I keep discovering albums on my ipod, thanks to friends who give me tons of music that I never get around to. So, I've been listening to Love Below, Outkast, and Welcome Interstate Managers, Fountains of Wayne. Yes, the Stacy's Mom band. The atmosphere of 'sad NY office worker needs a drink but knows it's bad for him' is like a different face of Jonathon Coulton's 'sad office worker is too busy dreaming to have any relationships'. This is also contrasted with the Decemberists's 'Victorian peasant is sad, has a sad life, and drowns after falling in love'. I love this, it feels so unabashedly bias and incorrect.

Today was the DDA meeting for the freshman in my department. We are 2D/3D animation and 'interactive arts', which I don't understand but it sounds really interesting and important. The head of the department gave us an overview of the next 3 years of our lives. I can't wait. It's going to be so much better than this year's mess.

So, that leaves me with the summer. There are so many things I want to do, many things I should do, and so many options. I know, though, that I need to redo my room. It hasn't changed much since the beginning of middle school, and now that I don't live there, it'll mostly be storage for art supplies and a studio. With a bed. And a large desk in the middle of the room, with a great studded-leather chair, a bust of Julius Ceasar that tilts backwards to reveal a secret room behind a bookcase. At the very least, a desk with storage space, and a set of bookshelves in the hallway (to replace the sideways one and clear up my room).

dreamquote

"I love my dreams, they make me question reality."

That's a nice quote to end the day.

Manifesto-writing, core values

This is a rewrite and update of my previous manifesto, from about a year ago to the date. Not true. I have a few newer drafts since Jan. 20, 2010, in April and May, I don't remember if I did them for STAC or not.

These are things from previous statements that still are part of me.

Core Values

Comfort

Movement, Same and Changing, and the Repetition of

The Marriage of Art and Science

Opposites, and thus, whatever is in between the opposites

Issues

Order

Simplicity

Grids and Arranged Squares

Alone vs. Lonely

This is a lot of things that just lead to a Manifest for my Art.

(This is a very rough draft.)

my art is like a grid of squares, each with a neat little scribble in it, squiggling around in each squared, contained clutter
be nice, be thankful, hold doors open, be polite, be the best
no, really, be the best. Don't just win. Make sure the other team will never win again. It's sick sick reality. And it shouldn't be that way.
There's reality, right there, and you passed it.
Too busy following the to-do list. I forgot what I had to do.
There is a very important difference between 'alone' and 'lonely'
Simplicity often goes under-appreciated. be sparing, straightforward. It often communicates better.
Follow a half-formed idea to the end of the rainbow.
Art and science are very close, and need to be taught together. All disciplines benefit from learning aspects of the other.
Never stop reading, never stop writing.
Listen, and you could hear something great. Write it down, and you have it forever.

urban life

Midterms are coming. Next week? The week after? I'm not sure, but hell I need to find out. Most of the classes have portfolio reviews, which are fine, but that means I have to redo and rework some of the homework i've done over the last weeks.


I've started keeping a journal of vignettes about some of my experiences. It started a few weekends ago, when I visited manhattan. A couple of children were running down the street, they crossed my path, and the boy ran into the street. The girl stopped herself, and made a primal screech of danger, which caused the boy to stop, look both ways, see that he'd run at the right time anyway, but turn around and come back. It was a wonderful moment of primal expressed within a metropolitan setting.


I've been watching, carrying this book with me, trying to figure out how to live here. Urban Life. It needs a new title, but that is the gist. Maybe if it's in Latin. Vita Urbanus. What about Vera Urbanus? True/truth [pertaining to] Urban. I wonder if I could teach myself Latin.


I find that I need to write more, to balance my visual expression.

Spider

There was a great spider in the port, and my family went into a house to see it. And my family turned into my cousins, and the house turned into my grandparent's. And my older cousin, she went to fight the giant spider. This thing was tearing down ships, and I knew the economy of the town wouldn't be the same. And then, when she didn't come back, a superhero tried to save the town. We thought he'd drowned the spider, but he was the one who drowned. The my little cousin puts on his under-water equipment, and told me that he's going to kill the spider, because of the town and because it killed his sister. And I watched from my grandparents' windows. And then, before he could reach the spider, I woke up.

I haven't been here for a while, mainly because I found facebook, and I'm busy fretting about not doing anything.

But, I'm a bit worried for college. It's uncertain, and that makes me nervous. Today, I cooked potatoes, baked brownies, drove, went on an exercise bike, and tied yarn around clothes hangers. I'm still nervous, so I've started marking my brush collection with nail-polish. If this is not enough, I'll continue making a new sketchbook, or I'll paint, or I'll continue weaving a friendship bracelet.

All I can do to keep me from pulling my hair out. Hand-repetition calms me. I wish I could make a job out of that.

Dream Log

I've been keeping a dream log, to keep track of anything interesting. Vivid dreams represents the outer limits of my imagination, so I like to write down the places where they happen, whatever I remember about the feelings or the circumstances, the characters and plots.

Theories of Human Evolution

Today I met a wonderful little boy at my cousin's graduation party. He was playing something with a lacrosse stick, and charging into a garage. I asked what war his was playing in, and he said 'No war. Dinner.' It turns out that he was a paleolithic-age hunter. We had a long discussion about the different theories of human evolution and of migration patterns out of Africa.


I wish there were more people like this kid, who knew that the Neanderthals probably died out due to climate changes and that Homo erectus was the original humanoid species to leave Africa, not Homo sapien. He reminded me that I'm not exactly normal.


I am more worried about moving in with people I don't know than the other parts of college. Will I be about to have a conversation about human evolution? What about talking to people about Metropolis? Will anyone geek with me about the history of Disney animation? Or Star Trek? I know so much. So much that I'm not using during the summer.

Code Monkey, Jonathan Coultan.

I'm leaving high school. It will be done, I won't walk through the corridors the same again.
What have I left behind?
Not much.
It hasn't hit me yet. It will, though. At an inconvenient time, like the middle of class, or at graduation, or sitting in a dorm room talking about school.
But I wasn't sad at the end of Carousel, I wasn't sad when i received my CalArts portfolio back. It's over, but it's also never over, because I remember it and I've learned from it. Can't that just be my high school experience?

Internal Organization.

I do not consider myself to be internally organized. I organize things around me, hoping for my thinking processes to reflect my environment. I have also not gotten higher than a B on my essays, and I would like that to change, because I feel that I can do better. Essays are directly connected with organized thinking.

     Everything has a pattern, and everything has a shape. A pattern is a repetition of events, a rhythm, a method. A pattern is the way you walk, your schedule, how you tie your shoes. Each person has a different pattern, and in the arts 'being good at something' is often a name for being able to broaden artistic patterns. It is the difference between only being able to do one thing and having a larger artistic vocabulary.
     A shape is a whole, the design and organization of the whole, which includes the patterns used to understand it. A shape is your person, it is made up of the patterns of how you walk, how you speak, how you spend your afternoons. 'Who you are' is different for each person around you, and there ends up being a range of shapes that represent you. And that range of shapes is represented by a larger, generalized shape, enclosing the others.
     Understanding patterns comes from The Speed of Dark, by Elizabeth Moon. The book is narrated by an autistic man, who concentrates a lot of his time on patterns and understanding the world in terms of pattern. The shape perspective also comes from the screensaver with the shape that twists and turns around the screen. And, it comes from a New York Times article about autistic people understanding numbers with shapes. This is a similar article. I don't see numbers as shapes. But maybe I can understand language better by translating its patterns into something a little more visual, a little more organized. Abstractions and connections. I also made a bead necklace when I was entering Middle School. Different beads served as different markers to chronicle my life up to that point. The idea also comes from work in abstract expressionism: giving emotions shapes.

     I think visually, and my concepts are visual. The ciriculum of a class has a shape: it is based on the amount of time spent in different topics, the amount of detail the topics go into, the amount of the information that is understood and retained. It's not a definite shape, everything is abstract, but there are larger parts and smaller parts.

     If I can understand an essay, I can break it down. I can call a sentence a line. There are different kinds of sentences. A simple sentence has a smaller, simpler shape than a more complex sentence. A short sentence, a short line. A long sentence, a long line.

     But, is grading based on if your essay-shape fits within the parameters of a larger, more general shape? Is grading about how closely your shape is to the shape of the grader? How is that measured?

     As a dancer, is your understanding of the world based in kinestetics? Does the person who understands relationships best see coursework in terms of relationship? Poets? Sculptors? Do other people think about how they think? How other people think? Is it important to understand? I don't think I'm crazy. I just don't know anyone else thinking like this.

not about dr. horrible.

So what keeps you up at night? What's out there, in the dark, waiting for you? Why go to bed with a flashlight when there's a blackout?


Zombies. That's what. Reanimated, blood-hungry zombies. I'm ashamed to have had a nightmare about zombies, but being trapped in a children's therapy hospital, which turned into an island later when we had to get off it, and then not having a weapon, and not knowing who on your side may eat you, is f'in' scary. There's a definite curse in having vivid, overly-imaginative dreams.


And, a slightly related topic: Bioshock. I'm in love with and terrified of this game. I don't call myself a gamer- this is my first first-person shooter- and I'm still working out how to aim. But the graphics are beautiful, and the storyline is told in pre-recorded audio tracks. Where that ever be seen again?

a calm off period.

I have 15 minutes left of an off period, and I'm realizing that the blog is falling into ruin. I've been extremely busy, and I've been waiting to hear from colleges. Especially CalArts. Things are coming to an end, and I'm moving on, but I want to keep going with this blog. A1-bqx. The name of a box from UPS.

I've been working on a sea monster painting. It's totally expressionist, except for the color choices (which are decently straightforward, when compared with pointillism's contrasting colors and detail). The peace is simple: a great sea-dragon, towering over a small steamship. The lighting isn't 100%, but I liked painting. I'll bring in a camera one day.

So far, the accepted portfolios for CalArts look really similar. A little pastel for color, exaggirated proportions, months or years of experience drawing from a model. I need to go back to the figure drawing classes. I miss drawing life. I don't want to draw sea monsters or sunsets or paint years of wear on a stage-bench.

I also don't want to lose myself in the realm of abstract expressionism. I'll go crazy. Yesterday, we did the charcoal abstract expressionist exercise in STAC, and it makes too much sense to me. You cannot turn words around the same idea, to see it in a different light. I can't, I don't know how other people think around issues or problems. It's much easier (and scarier) to turn a picture upside down, and look at things in a different perspective.

I hope I'm going to California next year. I know what I want to do, I know where I want to do it, but the latter decision is not totally made by me.


Totally. In total. Awesome. Full of awe. Terrible. Terrifying. Why aren't these words used correctly anymore?


Off to class.

La Vie en Rose, on the soundtrack of WALL-E

There was an envelop today from New Paltz. I got in. I should have been more excited.

I've been reading blogs, and I say we have a STAC bake-a-thon. Just that there's so much creativity to be found in baking, and if people are putting it up online, let's get together some weekend and bake.

When does a discipline become not a discipline? This blog was a discipline, but now it's just a part of me. Maybe it's still a discipline.

I took the enneagram test again since before, and got the same result: 1w9,

Type 1 - 11.3
Type 5 - 6.3
Type 9 - 6
Type 2 - 2.3

Wing 1w9 - 14.3
Wing 1w2 - 12.5
Wing 9w1 - 11.7
Wing 9w8 - 8
Wing 5w4 - 8
Wing 2w1 - 8
Wing 5w6 - 6.7
Wing 2w3 - 3.2

I'm a little surprised '4' isn't up there. Perhaps the 'adventurous' parts of Type 5 were mistaken for 'I don't like standing still'. Or that's just a part of a 5.

    I was thinking about being a 1. And something hit me decently hard: there is the perfectionist, critical part of being a 1, and the good/evil part. Both parts lead to a need to improve. But I think criticizing is evil (because I do too much of it). Working against itself there. It isn't about 'accepting your fate', it's about 'what does this point to?'.

    So where does this point to? Core Values and Issues are intertwined in this. A while ago, I was confused by an Issue, something that I was stuck on forever. I've always loved superheros and villains. I love Batman, and old-fashion hero-stories. And that's all part of a fixation on good and evil. Myth hit me so hard, maybe because all the fairy-tale stories are strictly good and evil. All Disney movies.

Core Values:

Art and Science, without a distinct separation

Movement, change and repetition

This used to be Resourcefulness. I don't know what it is now. Something about observing, something about collecting knowledge.

Issues:

Repetition

It's everywhere. The painting we did last year with Cathryn was totally repeated: the same mode of scrape-painting. And the mural was repetition. Figure drawing is, essentially, repetitive. Animation is extremely repetitive. What are bookshelves? What are fishtanks? What is the pattern of the night sky? This may be a core value.

Simple Shapes

Simple Color-coding (secondary colors are for villians)

I'm still thinking of others. I'm still thinking of places to find others. Because it's not just about art, but life if based around these.

A very nice title.

I thought of a very nice title for this entry in the shower this morning, but it's gone now.
This will be in parts:
Why I haven't been writing, the nature of an Enneagram, a difficult book, and something amazing.


I haven't been writing because I've been out of my house. I'm working on the musical, I'm at the movies, I'm at Zach's. And when I'm at home, I'm working in my room. I have started breaking away, becoming separate than my family. I've been thinking in terms of 'when I have my own place' and 'then we could drive there' and 'maybe there will be a dog'. There isn't a big life plan about fame and fortune. I'll be married with a little apartment and money will be okay but tight and I'll be an animator with a steady job, maybe even with health benefits. Isn't this what's going to happen?


I've also been thinking about language. I still don't comprehend. For example, if I were to choose between sending a telepathic thought in language (speech, the picture of written word), or in a set of pictures, feelings, and experiences, I would choose the latter. There are so many things that I don't have words for, and there are so many things that I feel, that all I can do sometimes is repeat.


I am a 1w9, and in order, 1, then 8, then 4, then 9. 8, 9, and 1 are all in the same area. 1: the Reformer, the Perfectionist. Details, flaw-noticing, fear of being evil. Hate not having some sense of personal control, an innate need to improve (based on flaws), and are emotionally repressed (as a result of the self-control). And there's a sense of organization, ambition, and overall self-reliance.


I like some of this, and I don't like some of this. This year I've been fighting the giant monster of criticism, of being extremely driven, and I considered these aspects as evil. It's a case of the Reformer's traits eating each other. I don't want to be overly critical and I don't want to fight to win every moment of my life, and I want to think differently. So, I think I may understand how an Enneagram is like a tool for change. Core value used here: Movement.


The unhealthy Reformer is like an unhealthy Romantic (4): moody. The thriving Reformer is like a healthy Enthusiast (7): happy. That's pretty much right.


When you have an idea of who you are, look at what other people are, and then realize that you don't look at the world like that, and that you almost don't realize that people live their whole lives quite differently than you do.


A difficult book and something amazing.
I have Letters to a Young Poet- Rilke, and The Accidental Masterpiece- Kimmelman. There's also a book on Pixar Business, which I don't expect to be philosophical. And there is also a science/art book to research. Or, I can just try to read them all.


Something amazing. I would love to do a big big project, but we've tried that idea for the last two years of Stac, and it doesn't work. I know I need to do something. I would love to not do an AP Art portfolio, save $86, and animate something. A walk. An 11-second sound clip.


I haven't heard back from any colleges, so I'm in limbo. I have done what I needed to do with the college forms, and now I don't know if my big goal, CalArts, has been reached or not. And I can't stand still. A great treadmill.

Fine-tuning Core Values and Issues.

Been reading posts, and god you people are amazing.


I often need a Big Goal. Something I work hard for, concentrate on, care about, even become. Without someplace to go, I'm just standing still, I'm not Moving. STAC was a Big Goal in middle school and as a freshman. Then I found CalArts, and I'm scared of denial, but I worked for an answer. I want an answer O_O*
     Luke mentioned a One Thing that changed someone in STAC, like Molly's connection to Let the Right One In. I was thinking, what other movies did we see? What shows? But I realized that my thing was myth.


So some repetition and reflection:
Core Values:
The Marriage of Art and Science
I don't know where I'd be without this. I need both in my life, even at the same time. Last year I took AP Bio, this year I'm taking AP Psych, and I need to know more and more about everything around me. Science includes history, too, but not like the classes in school. This comes from everything, basically: loving scifi, biology, keeping a garden, cooking, Star Trek, even a lot of superhero stuff.


Movement
I can't sit still, I can never sit still, and I'm always watching movement. Movement can be a change, but it's often a repetition. This is from modern art, where colors vibrate against each other beautifully. This comes from the mural, with it's repetition and change. A walk is a repeated motion, but nothing is the same about it. Something spinning is attractive, low musical vibrations, playing different notes that each have different feelings. The movement is related to 


Resourcefulness
I love my books, I love the knowledge in them, I love being able to reference them. I love using things in place of what should go there. I'll use mugs for bowls and cups and even plates, and I keep jars and containers around. I don't like to throw things out because I could use them some day, like my art supplies. I like pulling out ideas and using them my own way. This is related to creativity (which is sometimes pulling out ideas and using them in a new order), but more about what I've learned. It's directly related to when I spend a long time researching something, and when I become angry when people don't do research for art.


These pop up in my art 
Issues:
Communication
If I wasn't in STAC I probably would have given up on trying to communicate important things verbally. It doesn't work for me. The blog has helped my language, and there are a few people who understand my meaning. When I have nothing to say, I go silent. I can talk, but I'm inadequate when it comes to the important things.


In-Between
I like finding the places in between. The name partly comes from a Sandman story, where the personification of Delirium says she likes planes because they aren't really a place, but an in-between place. Which is true. Lately I've been working on putting together 2D and 3D, in a way after Secret of Kells and The Thief and the Cobbler. I live for having things done but not quite done, started and not finished, used but not depleted.


One-Up
Like the mushroom. I like not just doing well, but doing very well. It's an idea that I think was in Ender's Game: you can't just win. You have to make sure you don't have to fight again. It's also a competition in school, and it shouldn't be. I have to have the best sword in a video game, I have to have questions answered with 'yes'. I can throw blame out to society, but I'm the one that has to change for it. And being nice and caring can't help a selfish child. It's scary because it's the beast. Freud would have a field day.


Repetition
Similar to above, I live for repetition. Everything repeats, everything in the world.


Alone vs. Lonely
Being Alone is thinking in the shower, thinking about your day before sleeping, getting lost in a book. Lonely is needing someone else, eating alone at a table, being in the city, not being listened to.


Reality vs. What Could Be
This sort of ties in with the science. What could be. There are so many options out there, but there's also the reality of now. It's like 1 vs. Forever.

Yellow, a follow-up.

I feel like the yellow is a transition. Into the second semester. Then green, blue, purple. Something less excited.


A little explanation.
I can't live without sciences and art together. Biology, chemistry, astronomy, and social sciences. Even history. It needs to all be together.
I can't sit still, my artwork can't be still, I can't work on a piece for too long and not get anywhere. At the same time, there's comfort in repetition, as long as it moves.
I like being resourceful. Using what I have. This is related to my books.
I don't know what these become all together.

think deep.

This is the exact page, with decently legible writing. I have a lot to write about, but I have a quarter test tomorrow and a midterm on thursday, so this is not the time.
It does expose me a bit. I thought a lot, and took some notes, so this includes everything except the Koan. And there are a bunch of things that connect, but I can't find a name for their connection. Like my fascination with superheroes, need for the biggest swords in video games, competition, the childish selfishness. They're all related, and I don't know how. And the white circles in the mural, and now I'm trying to work in both 2D and 3D, and simple shapes, and that's related to order and organization and repetition.