A very nice title.

I thought of a very nice title for this entry in the shower this morning, but it's gone now.
This will be in parts:
Why I haven't been writing, the nature of an Enneagram, a difficult book, and something amazing.


I haven't been writing because I've been out of my house. I'm working on the musical, I'm at the movies, I'm at Zach's. And when I'm at home, I'm working in my room. I have started breaking away, becoming separate than my family. I've been thinking in terms of 'when I have my own place' and 'then we could drive there' and 'maybe there will be a dog'. There isn't a big life plan about fame and fortune. I'll be married with a little apartment and money will be okay but tight and I'll be an animator with a steady job, maybe even with health benefits. Isn't this what's going to happen?


I've also been thinking about language. I still don't comprehend. For example, if I were to choose between sending a telepathic thought in language (speech, the picture of written word), or in a set of pictures, feelings, and experiences, I would choose the latter. There are so many things that I don't have words for, and there are so many things that I feel, that all I can do sometimes is repeat.


I am a 1w9, and in order, 1, then 8, then 4, then 9. 8, 9, and 1 are all in the same area. 1: the Reformer, the Perfectionist. Details, flaw-noticing, fear of being evil. Hate not having some sense of personal control, an innate need to improve (based on flaws), and are emotionally repressed (as a result of the self-control). And there's a sense of organization, ambition, and overall self-reliance.


I like some of this, and I don't like some of this. This year I've been fighting the giant monster of criticism, of being extremely driven, and I considered these aspects as evil. It's a case of the Reformer's traits eating each other. I don't want to be overly critical and I don't want to fight to win every moment of my life, and I want to think differently. So, I think I may understand how an Enneagram is like a tool for change. Core value used here: Movement.


The unhealthy Reformer is like an unhealthy Romantic (4): moody. The thriving Reformer is like a healthy Enthusiast (7): happy. That's pretty much right.


When you have an idea of who you are, look at what other people are, and then realize that you don't look at the world like that, and that you almost don't realize that people live their whole lives quite differently than you do.


A difficult book and something amazing.
I have Letters to a Young Poet- Rilke, and The Accidental Masterpiece- Kimmelman. There's also a book on Pixar Business, which I don't expect to be philosophical. And there is also a science/art book to research. Or, I can just try to read them all.


Something amazing. I would love to do a big big project, but we've tried that idea for the last two years of Stac, and it doesn't work. I know I need to do something. I would love to not do an AP Art portfolio, save $86, and animate something. A walk. An 11-second sound clip.


I haven't heard back from any colleges, so I'm in limbo. I have done what I needed to do with the college forms, and now I don't know if my big goal, CalArts, has been reached or not. And I can't stand still. A great treadmill.