I'm home alone on a friday night. So what to do? Blog, watch a movie, and go to bed by 10 because I have driver's ed tomorrow.
An interesting thing happened today. My design was not chosen for the tshirt. There were a few things that happened at the same time: childish anger and sadness, a feeling of foreboding, the need to mask feelings, and a process of association that involved past rejections. And I thought a few things, mostly in the shower:
1. I don't like losing and I'm a little too competitive
2. I don't want to be too outward. I don't want to put people down.
3. Thinking about the collection of bad things is worse than thinking about the bad thing itself
4. If I think I'm accepting failure, I'm probably not
5. I don't want to think about these past failures when doing things related to future success or failure
These do not include 'what do I want' or 'is this right or wrong' or 'am I a bad person'.
2. I have an ego and it's big, so I make sure that I keep it to myself. A blog is another way to talk, an option for someone who doesn't want to listen. But I haven't done anything public to showcase myself. I don't know if I want to. I don't think it's part of being an artist. But what's the point of singing if you only sing in the shower?
1. I also have to accept that some things aren't a game, not that you can win in your head and not outside it.
5. This is college. I really really want to go to california next fall. And I don't want any doubts, but I have them, and I don't want them to eat me alive.
I heard girls in the bathroom talking about parties they're invited to. My last party, with more than 3 teens at someone else's house, was a going-away party for college. I was late because I forgot, and it turned out to include family and friends.
I don't normally get invited. I don't know if I would go. I'm no fun at parties. And I realize for a second that this is a disadvantage of facebook, that there is a whole mindset just for facebook, and that I don't have it. And I don't mind.
theres something that happens when your alone and your quiet and you have time to think for once without the burden of being judged for your thoughts, its scary. Your doubts are normal, I'm extremely doubtful regarding college. yes, I got in, I'll go if I can afford it, but I don't want to leave without making sure everything that I've done here will go to waste. But it will. everything gets thrown away eventually, but if you're staying green, it'll get recycled. I'm keeping my blog for when I go to college so we'll talk. You've got quite a mind, kid.
ReplyDeleteP.S. The first drawing on your last blog is awesome.
Umm thanks a lot a lot a lot. Hopefully we all will keep up with the blogs. Especially since facebook doesn't have this.
ReplyDelete